THE INVISIBLE MOTHER

Sandy a former student on mine sent this to me not too long ago. I found out it was taken from a book written by Nicole Johnson Many of us mothers feel this way, but in the end our job isn't thankless. So if you as a mother ever wonder is this all worth it? Yes, it is.

The Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of

response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room

while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on

the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on

the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even

standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me

at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a

pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie

this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of

hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to

ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to

answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm

a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held

books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that

graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared

into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's

going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating

the return of a friend from England .. Janice had just

gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and

on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,

looking around at the others all put together so well. It

was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was

feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a

beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you

this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me

until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with

admiration for the greatness of what you are building when

no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And

I would discover what would become for me, four

life-changing truths, after which I could pattern m work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals

we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives

for a work they would never see finished. They made great

sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their

building was fueled by their faith that the

eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came

to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw

a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He

was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so

much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered

by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman

replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into

place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me,

'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make

every day, even when no one around you does. No act of

kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no

cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and

smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you

can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction But it

is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for

the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote

to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective

when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people

who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to

work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no

cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there

are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my child to

tell the friend he's bringing home from college for

Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and

bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for

three hours and presses all the linens for the table.'

That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to

myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if

there is anything more to say to his friend, to add,

'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be

seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very

possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we

have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the

world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

Everything Child

To some people we had the “perfect family”, we had the girl and boy, what more could we want? Two wasn’t our idea of the perfect family and we wanted another. We planned his pregnancy around Bill’s bicycle trip to Canada. He asked me if I wanted to travel with a baby or be pregnant, I decided it would be easier if I was pregnant. When people first found out I was pregnant, we got a lot of “Was it an accident?”

We had a big decision to make when we got pregnant, our midwife had moved that we had used with Ian and we didn’t want to go back to the hospital. A friend recommended we travel all the way down to Culver City to Salee and Vic Berman, a husband/wife team, he an OB, she a CNM. Bill and I went down to meet Salee and fell in love with her, so we prepared for the drive.

It was a busy time, besides the bicycle trip, Alexa was going to be starting kindergarten; Eric was due a few weeks into the school year. We planned to have both Alexa and Ian at the birth; a friend was coming down to keep an eye on them for us.

I started labor five days after my due date, around 3:30 a.m. Contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart, but only lasting 30-40 seconds. Bill called Connie to come over, I was busy packing the last minute things, when Bill and Connie said “You labor, we will pack” and took the list. We finally got on the road at 6:30 a.m., as rush hour was beginning. A short time later Alexa asked “Am I missing school?” and I said “Yes, you can either go to school or see the baby be born.” She decided she wanted to see the birth. Just about the time we got down to the San Fernando Valley I was looking around the car and asked “Where’s my suitcase?” Bill said, “Suitcase? Was that on the list?” I said, “NO, I just thought if you put everything in it, should bring it.” I then did what any laboring woman would do in that situation, I started to cry and say “I have nothing to give birth in or put the baby in.” Bill pulled off the freeway and called my parents who had come in from Arizona the day before for their birthdays. They said they would go to the house and get the suitcase and bring it down. Fantastic, but then I panicked what if I was in the middle of giving birth when they were there? I mean, I do love my mom, but she is rather domineering, and I didn’t want her there.

When we finally got down there it was 9:30 and they were all guessing where we might have pulled over to have the baby. Once I found out we didn’t have the suitcase, my labor slowed way down. But since I was 6 cm. they weren’t sending me home. Bill and I went walking up and down Venice Blvd., around noon my parents arrived with the suitcase; I knew they had to leave soon as one of my sister’s was taking them to see “The Phantom of the Opera.” They took Alexa and Ian out to lunch and then just as they were leaving I had a contraction, my mom put her hands on my belly and Bill, who was standing behind me, said “She is having a contraction,” my mom said “I know, I just want to feel.” Bill said, “She doesn’t like to be touched when she is having a contraction.” My mom left her hands on my belly; I could sense Bill wanting to yank her hands off my stomach. They left soon after.

Bill and I went for yet another walk, this time with Connie and the kids, we went and sat in a beautiful church for a while and I think we all said a prayer. We came back to the Birthing Center and took a nap, when I woke up, I was having stronger contractions, and Vic said “Go out for another walk.” We must have walked at least 10 miles that day. We saw a MGM store and went in and bought a beach towel for the baby with the MGM lion on it. The guy in the store asked if I was in labor and Bill said “yes.” He pointed and said the hospital was right across the street, Bill said we weren’t having the baby in the hospital, you should have seen his face.

We went back to the Birth Center and labor was moving along nicely. Bill was a wonderful coach, sensing my needs even before I did. Around 10 p.m. Connie and Bill were talking out in the hall and she asked when he thought the baby would be born, he didn’t want to guess, she said around 2 a.m., Bill said he thought it would be by midnight. I thought “How dare they guess when I would give birth.” Soon after I felt like I was going to vomit and Bill handed me a trash can, when I vomited, I felt a “pop”, my water had broken, Salee checked me and I was 9 cm. A short time later I needed to use the bathroom and walking back down the hall was so hard, when we got back to the birthing room, Alice, Salee’s nurse popped her head in and asked if everything was okay, Bill said “Yeah” kind of unsure, Alice then yelled to Salee, “Dorene is grunting, get in here.” I had no idea I was grunting, Salee came in and said “We have a head.” My mind went racing, she said it had dark hair, Bill yelled to Connie to bring the kids in. I pushed a few times and we let him be born gently. He was born at 10:32 p.m. Salee placed him on my chest, where I began to cry with joy. Ian seeing some blood started to cry and I told him they were happy tears, Alexa and Ian went running out of the room, a short time later they both came back with little cups of water saying “Mommy, you must me thirsty after all that work.” Eric started nursing right away, Salee then asked to weigh him, the scale said 10lb. 8 oz., she thought for sure he was 11 lb. and made Bill go get her scale out of her car, he was 10lb. 8oz. As Eric nursed Bill looked out the 5th story window down on Venice Blvd., he saw a man walking down the street, and he said “That guy has no idea the world just changed.” Eric was born with a serious look on his face and Salee said “What do you have to be worried about it, you just got here.”

Eric is now a young man of 18. We called him our “Everything Child” because he just was always trying to figure out things, not a bad child, just always with his mind going. His appetite has remained the same, he is always eating. He has graduated from high school and is attending college now. Recently he has had more than a young man his age should have to go through, loosing three young friends in the last month. I told him I just want to wrap my arms around him and not let him go.

He has grown into such a tall, handsome young man, who still loves to say “Love you Mama.” I never tire hearing that from my kids.

He is Just so Sweet

We had planned a homebirth for our 5th child, but things didn’t go as planned. The last few months of my pregnancy was very stressful, found out my father had terminal disease, my family (parents and sisters were causing problems) and my oldest son’s 4th grade teacher was not doing the proper job in her teaching. Isaac seemed to turn like a clock in my belly, never staying in one place for too long. Women under stress tend to hold their babies in malpositions. A few times I started having contractions, but I was not happy and did not want to bring a child into the world if I wasn’t happy and almost willed myself to stop. But two weeks after Isaac was due my body could no longer stop nature. I started having contractions while at a party, it seemed like things were moving along by the time we got home I was 6 cm. dilated. My oldest and most wonderful sister was babysitting our children. She left and we told her we would call when the baby was born, I labored all night long, I had dilated up to 8 cm. and the baby just didn’t seem to be coming, I labored in many different positions trying to get him to change his position, I could feel pressure in my right hip. The kids woke up and were surprised that I hadn’t had the baby yet. Bill decided to call my sister and have her come over, Bill suggested we go to the hospital, but I knew that meant I would end up with a c-section and I didn’t want that, I wasn’t ready. We waited another 2 hours and I decided to take a shower, where no one could hear me, I cried my eyes out, knowing I had done all I could, when I got out I told Bill we should go to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital they insisted that I have an ultrasound to make sure it wasn’t twins (I knew it was just one of my big babies). That was the most pain I was in during my labor, laying on my back with my head tilted down and having cold jelly spread all over my belly. Bill told the tech that if he saw anything not to say anything because we didn’t know what we were having, he said “You don’t want to know?” Bill said, “We have come this far and I think we will know soon enough.” He couldn’t believe we didn’t want to know. We have never found out what were having, we like to be surprised. It was decided that I would have a c-section. I won’t go into details of how the doctors and nurses treated me, let’s just say they rather enjoyed the fact that the Bradley teacher was having a c-section. We aren’t against c-sections when they are NEEDED.

In the operating room they have my arms strapped down and a drape up so I can’t see anything and I kept saying “Where is my husband?” Finally they brought Bill in. Bill watched as they cut me open and could see that the baby had his head on his shoulder and had turned toward my right hip, a head a shoulder just don’t fit through the birth canal. As they lifted Isaac out, Bill said “It’s a BOY!” and started laughing, he thought for sure it was a girl, but I told him it HAD to be a boy because it was so stubborn! Bill rushed over to where they had brought Isaac and I started crying (I cry after every baby is born) and was trying to get a glimpse of my new son, all I could see was dark hair. Finally they brought him over for me to see, for all of about 30 seconds. I remember his little sweet face and his little hand wiggling out from the blanket, he was beautiful, they unstrapped one of my hands and I reached out and stroked his sweet face.

Bill went to the nursery with Isaac and made sure they didn’t do things that we didn’t want to him. When they moved me from recovery the nurse asked “Do you want to stop by the nursery and see your baby?” I said “YES,” I hadn’t got to hold him yet. Bill brought him out and asked if I was up to nursing him and I said yes. The nurse said, “Let’s get her to her room.” About a half hour later they brought him in and I nursed him and held him, I never wanted to put him down. Because I didn’t get to hold him right away (yes, I was jealous that Bill got those first few hours with him), I wanted to hold him even more.

There are some people that say, what a waste 18 hours of labor for nothing, no it wasn’t a waste, I needed all that time to do everything I could to try to turn him in a more favorable position, I NEEDED that time to come to terms with everything. My mom’s first words to me were: “I knew something would go wrong” my response was, “Nothing went wrong, I was fine and the baby was fine, things just didn’t go as planned.” There were those who said “Bet you wish he was a girl,” no, no I didn’t. Bill and never got pregnant because we wanted a boy or a girl, we wanted another child. I wanted what came out and that was Isaac, this sweet, innocent, beautiful baby boy, my boy.

My sister Freda was wonderful, she went grocery shopping and made lists up for Bill what there was to put in lunches and what to make for dinner. The best thing my parents ever did for me beside give life, was blessing me with such a wonderful older sister.

Twelve years later, the first words that most people use to describe Isaac is “He is just so sweet.” He is, he is a good brother to his brothers and sisters. He never seems to amaze Bill and me with his level of thought and his kindness. I can’t help but look at his face and smile; he still is just so cute!

The Other Side of the Glass

This is an eye opening, soon to be released documentary. This film focuses on how babies are treated when they are born and how father's feel helpless in watching. We as parents have a need to keep our baby safe, this film looks to help parents be able to do this.

The goal is to keep the baby in the mother's arms so that the baby gets all of his or her placental blood and to avoid unnecessary, violating, and abusive touch and interactions. When we do that, whether at home or hospital, with doctor or midwife, the birth is safe for the father. The "trick" for birthing men and women is how to make it happen in the hospital.

At Your Cervix

There is a new project underway, it is a documentary on how pelvic exams are performed and taught. As a woman and a childbirth educator I have experienced and had students that have complained how a pelvic was performed. Many woman have been told their parts do not have nerve endings and therefore can't feel pain. We woman know our parts "feel" on many different levels.

This is a very interesting project and I encourage you to check it out.

“Uncomfortable”; “Humiliating”; “Traumatic”; “Scarring”--words women too often use to describe pelvic exams. Most of the 90 million U.S. women who get pelvic exams think they are supposed to hurt. Women show disbelief when told that if done correctly on a healthy woman, pelvic exams should be pain-free.

The documentary, At Your Cervix, enters U.S. medical and nursing schools and breaks the silence around the unethical ways in which medical and nursing students learn to perform pelvic exams. These practices—which include nursing students being required to perform exams on each other in front of faculty and medical students “practicing” on unconscious, unconsenting patients—lead directly to the reality that most women find pelvic exams to be humiliating and painful. The existence of these egregious practices are challenged in the film by highlighting an ethical and more effective way of teaching the pelvic exam that has existed for nearly 30 years: the work of the Gynecological Teaching Associates (GTA) of New York City, in which the “patient” herself is the teacher.

For Noah

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August 8, 1981

27 years ago today, I married the love of my life, my high school sweetheart. We were just 15 when we met, but within weeks of meeting Bill, I knew he was special. He pulled me in with a "hi" and a smile, he still can just melt my heart with a smile. When we married not everyone thought we should and some like my nephew Kyle, at first hearing we were getting married said, "FINALLY I can call him Uncle Bill." Our wedding was different to some, we married in a walk-in theater, I went down the aisle to Jethro Tull, we came back up to a Led Zeppelin song (they were both instrumentals and soft). He quoted me Shakespeare, I Robert Plant. Our first dance was to the "Rain Song." But in more ways our wedding was very traditional. We were happy, in love and knew it was the right time to get married.

As we were driving to our honeymoon, Bill had his left hand resting on the side mirror and the sun shone down on his wedding ring, he lifted his hand up and looked at his ring and said "Wow, I am married, we are married." He turned smiled at me and took my hand, he melted my heart all over again.

The first few years of being married we both worked full-time, he as a janitor and I at Carl's Jr. and Bill went to school full-time (I typed full-time). We lived in a 10 x 60 mobile home. We paid for everything in cash and only bought what we could afford. Four years later he had graduated with his B.A. and M.A. in English (with a high GPA), we paid for his college on our own, no loans, grants or financial aid, and also 2 weeks before he graduated with his M.A. we had our first child. We worked hard, and enjoyed every minute of it.

27 years later, we have six beautiful children, all of which were planned. Besides being married to each other, there could be no greater blessing than our children, there isn't anything we would rather spend our time and money on.

My sister-in-law once said to me "Don't you know, you aren't suppose to be so in love after this long?" Bill and I think "why not?" It isn't that being married is easy, we have had to work through the good, the bad and the difficult, but if you love each other on the day you marry, you should do everything to make sure that love grows.

Because as I said to Bill all those years ago . . .

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.